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the journal of perzona

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2006.08.06  09.11
oh, gods..

sweden has had the warmest summer in a looooong time... in celsius, it's been way above 25 degrees for weeks, with no sign of rain at all, until 'bout a week, 10 days ago or so.. it rained for maybe 3 days, not at all the whole time, but the temperature went down to liveable levels, and i started feeling like i could breathe again..

as youu can see, i'm not one of the people loving warm weather.. fact is, i HATE it.. i belong to the very few who doesn't deal well with warm weather.. especially not if it's the kind of heat that's moist.. it leaves me wishing i could die, more or less, because there's nowhere i can get away.. my apartment tends to get really hot as well, and my landlord refuses (so far) to do anything 'bout it.. however; i read somewhere that when the temperature inside an apartment goes above 26 degrees, it is to be considered as.. umm.. sanitary unpleasant stuff, which i can demand from them to help me with.. and i'm seriously considering to do that..

there's a swedish site that pretells weather (smhi.se), and in summer, i always go there to see what it looks like few days ahead.. and the day before yesterday, i noticed another wave of high temperatures.. yesterday, i'd been down in a mine all day (sala silvermine, for those who have any idea of swedish history), and it'd been a nice temperature (ca 2+ celsius).. when i got back home, i was so tired and so messed up that i sat down crying my heart out.. i panic 'bout the high temperatures.. those days, i feel like i can't breathe properly.. there's constantly a thin layer of moist on my skin (not necessarily sweat, though).. i get extremely tired, my want to do things (anything) vanish into nothing, i can't move, because then i DO sweat.. and i feel so lonely onto that, because like i said; i'm one of very, very few people who feel like this.. most swedes adore summer and heat, because the autumn and winter are so long and cold.. i dislike the winter too, but summer is worse, mark my word.. you can only get naked, then you can't pull of anything else.. and there's nowhere you can go, to get away...

i could keep complaining 'bout this forever and ever.. i am however supposed to go back to the silvermine today (we're doing fire shows there for the public), so i need to get started.. i just got so depressed when i saw the temperature being 31 degrees at 8.45 in the morning.. (now; this is most likely not 100% true, it's more likely 20 or so.. but today is supposed to be 27, which is not very far from 31 and it's going to be terrible - again) .. and it nearly had me off crying again, i can tell you that..

i'm wondering if there's something physically wrong with me.. i've been like this my whole life, and i'm seriously considering talking to a doctor, seeing if there's anything that can be done to help me with this.. i would like so much, to at least be able to function properly in this kind of weather...

ah well.



Mood: depressed
 
 


 
  2005.11.22  12.21


i have a murdering cat...

i'd opened up the door to my balcony, and all of a sudden there's a crash and my little cat comes strolling with a dead bird in her mouth...

DISGUSTING!!!!

of course, i had to take it from her and go out to bury it..

i'm not very happy with this. at all. i have a murdering cat and i'm so disappointed... i know she's a cat and that cats do kill when they get the chance to, but she's an indoor cat and that bird was so not supposed to be there just then...

this is so not fun... i've had a dead bird in my home.. and it was KILLED in my home.. she even started chewing on it... i can't stand the idea of this and it'll take me a while until i manage to calm down...

and the little bird? so small... so very small, and when i pushed it into the little box, the body was so soft... and now, it's in that box, out in the cold, free to be either eaten by another cat, eaten by something else, or to become earth again.. i'm hoping for the last... considering the amount of degrees, the earth has started to become very hard, and i had no useful tool to dig a deep whole with, so i just buried it under a whole bunch of leaves...

oh my god, my cat has really murdered a bird in my home... that's the kind of things i really don't want to think 'bout, but now that it's happened, i seem unable to stop...

i need some tea...



Mood: sad
 
 


 
  2005.10.25  21.59


y'know.. i'm so excited 'bout this whole belly dance thingie.. i've been thinking it over and over and over again, several times.. and i've decided on a few things...

i do intend to keep taking belly dance classes, to learn.. but i do not intend to do traditional belly dancing at all, for myself.. my intention has been, already from the beginning when i started thinking 'bout it years ago, to mix my belly dancing with fire of some kind.. i've had some trouble figuring out exactly what fire toy to use, but i've finally decided on some kind of fire claws.. we'll see how it turns out...

however;

i've been searching around the net for information on different belly dancers, music, styles etc etc, and i very quickly realised that none of them suits me 100%... i was told that i might like what's called tribal belly dancing, but it appears to be an american thing, and no offense, americans, but i'm so not interested in doing that... and the clothing!!! gods.. i don't really look sane with all the coins and all the heavy jewelry and all that stuff.. i'm very pale for starters, and well.. i would just look very, very weird.. so i intend to make my very own suit that'll look good on me.. very simple, very clean.. a clean belt with pretty chains on it instead of coins.. no over-done jewelry, trousers instead of skirt, a whole shirt ends below my breasts, long wide arms that i consider putting chains on as well, we'll see...

i am SO looking forward to this...

me and micke, together with few other selected few (we haven't spoken to anyone yet), will be doing a fire show for the opening of 155 meters down the silvermine in Sala, where i grew up.. i want to dance at that, and i've spent a LOT of time thinking of how, what, TO what music etc etc.. i've been searching like crazy to find music that fits - i've been looking to egypt and moroccon music, which i feel fit me more than the arab (lebanese, turkish etc) stuff.. more heavy and mysterious, which i REALLY like... i'm more that, than flirty and pop-ish, which my class teacher tells me the usual stuff is..

imagine this, then, with fire!!! oh, my god..

oh, yeah.. i was thinking 'bout the 155m down the mine-thingie.. i've been thinking to create this dance (and yes, i'll try to do that, without having any training whatsoever in choreography) as some kind of ritual.. both a ritual for the mine, but also for myself.. an opening ritual for the beginning of a new life - with great success as a photographer, and perhaps also as a special kind of belly dancer...

see, i LIKE this... i really like the view of this life...

mwoahaha..

 
 


 
  2005.10.21  00.48


oh yeah.. did i mention that the guy who took my business plan for evaluation, complimented me on it, saying it's rare to see such well-done business plans...

such things are SO nice to hear...

 
 


 
  2005.10.20  22.17


this is ridiculous.. i'm trying to rebuild my website, but i tend to get stuck like fairly often, staring at this photograph.. this is a cropped version of the 6x6 original, and i love it... i cannot stop staring at it.. it's not the best photograph of a person and his or her dog that's even been taken, but i still like it so much.. i think it has to do with the environment...

the last few days, i've been thinking seriously 'bout what i like to photograph, why and how i do it... it's a very interesting thing to think of...

here's the photograph, though..



 
 


 
  2005.10.18  10.48


all right.. so i'm about to leave, to hand over that business plan thingie.. and now, i'm suffering from self-doubts...

blesh.

 
 


 
  2005.10.17  23.15


sometimes, i feel i'm so slow with everything... tomorrow, i'll be handing in my business plan to the job search centre.. that's requested to recieve financial help while starting up a business.. and even if handing it in, it may not be granted anyway.. i think mine will, though.. i've read it through numerous times, and each time i'm surprised of how well thought through it seems (to me).. i made some last minute changes (added names and stuff in budgets) tonight and have now looked through what to bring and what not to bring... it does feel good.. i'm not even nervous 'bout it (well, i do say that now - might be different tomorrow).. the only thing i'm a bit nervous 'bout, is finding a physical place to have my business.. but i hope and suppose that'll show up soon enough anyway...

it's happening.. i've started the serious doing of getting my own business started on a serious level... soon enough, i'll be having a place to keep it, i'll be ordering albums and thank you cards, i'll be meeting with future couples married to be, pregnant women, cats and dogs... it'll be very.. interesting, to say the least... i have so many plans for this business... it'll be interesting to see if it works... i sure as hell hope so, because i find it hard to believe that i would be better as employed than with this...

ah well..

if i remember, i'll report after this :)

 
 


 
  2005.10.17  10.02


this is from yesterday, when i didn't want to restart the computer just to post it:



three things:

1) me and micke's been apart for 'bout 4 months or so.. we're still friends, though, and we've started exhibiting fire work together.. there's an old, old silver mine in sala where i grew up and where he lives now (and used to live), and we've been down there few times and will go down several more times, to go fire swinging.. we're even considering taking a 'stage name' for ourselves.. and i was just thinking that it's funny how things can be.. we've been messing around for so many years, and now that we're apart as a couple, i realise we were never meant to be.. i thought so and i wanted so, but i lied to myself.. or i must have, anyway... we're great as friends.. and now, when i look at him, i cannot even begin to imagine having sex with him again.. the whole idea feels very weird... i guess i've been there and done that couple of times before.. ;=)~ ... no news no more...

2) i got two cats.. an older male who comes from micke's mom's ex husband.. he wanted to get rid of him and isntead of having him dead, me and micke took him here.. he's 'bout 8 years old, and after micke moved out, he stayed.. he's not a very cosy cat at all, very sour... got the prettiest face, though.. the few, selected times that he chooses to come to me all by himself are very rare but OH how sweet... he did that tonight while i was watching dark angel (1st season again).. he lied down on my lap and just purred off.. it really moves me when he does this, it's so cute... and i'm so happy THAT he does, because when he first got here, one could hardly touch him at all.. he's so grumpy (still is, but now you can touch him).. it's taken a lot of work to get him to this point, and he still has a long way to go.. and one of the things i hate most of all, is that i don't feel any love for this cat.. he had a shitty owner before me, and i don't want him to ever move to another family.. but still, for as much as i try to, i cannot LOVE him.. i feel compassion for him, he's cute and all that.. and yet, now that i look at him, it feels like my heart would break...

very confusing, as you see...

3) my wee cat... she's 'bout 14 months old and the love of my life... she too comes from micke's mom (not the ex, though).. the second or third time i saw her, i don't remember, i decided i had to have her.. she licked my finger and chewed on it, and then it was settled.. she's very, very small and soo cute.. when she was little, she loved sleeping in my arms, and she used to cuddle up with me in the mornings... getting a bit older, she stopped doing that.. still very cosy, but not AS cosy.. now, few days ago i had her sterilised, and i've been told they can get a bit more loving towards you.. and OH MY GOD has she??? .. it's been ages and ages since she came up to sleep in my arms, and she's done that maybe 3-5 times the last two days... for maybe half an hour or so at the time!!! and she sleeps close to me at nights again.. not AS close, but close enough.. oh, and speaking of being close; i HAVE to tell you this.. when i went to pick her up after surgery, she was in her cage.. we opened it up so i could pet her and tell her i love her and such mushy stuff.. the first thing she does, poor thing, being all sleepy still, was to crawl out of the cage, down into my lap and hide her head inside my jacket.. can you imagine how extremely cute that was?? oh, gods.. me and the nurse did laugh quite a bit at that sweet behaviour...

all in all, this little cat.. her, i DO love... to a degree where it gets almost ridiculous... and now that she's started to sleep in my arms again.. today, she did, and i sat there holding her, she leaned against my chest and cuddled for all she could.. and i was so moved.. so touched.. i cannot even begin to describe what warmth i had inside my chest for this little creature, this little life that i had in my arms.. she means the world to me.. at the very least... she's the sweetest cat one could ever look for...

and yes, i know, i do speak of my cats in different ways... and there's no need to pick on me cos of that, because i KNOW... and it breaks my heart that i don't feel the same way for them... but i think it has to do with me never having any pet at all since i moved out from home, over ten years ago... sotis (the old, grumpy one), wasn't mine from the beginning.. with him, i really feel that he accepts me, but is uncertain of my intentions and feelings... our relationship is not very stable.. and i don't really know how to fix it... in diversion to my relation to saga (the young female), to whom my relationship is becoming exactly what i wanted it to be from the beginning.. close, loving, intense, intimate... you name it!!! .. and that, i believe, is due to the fact i've had her since she was 8 weeks old...

which leads me to explain another thing, closely related to this...

i don't want children - on my own.. i don't want to be pregnant and give birth to any number of children..

i can, however, imagine, to take children into my life, who lives's been misery in one way or another, and then try to fix them... maybe adopt them, if need be... i need a man with the same opinion, though, and i hope i find him...

i really need to sleep.

oh, before that...

if someone knows of anyone doing tribal bellydance, could you do me the enormous favour of asking them what music they dance to, and then give me names of various tribal bellydance bands??? i would be SO grateful...

NOW, it's sleep...

 
 


 
  2005.10.16  21.38


i don't recall telling if i started belly dance classes or not, but i have.. it's very nice to have started it again - i did take a one-day class 'bout 15 years ago or something and i did have talent for it then.. i just hope i'll live up to my memory of it... the difference now is that when i feel i've learned enough, i'll mix it with fire.. i also want to make a belly dance outfit which is not like most belly dance outfits - with chains instead of coins, looking more trash and punk-rockish than others.. mixing that with fire, i think could be quite interesting...

oh, and i also spoke with the teacher today.. when i have my own studio (in physical meaning), i'll photograph her.. she said she needed photos for different stuff, and well.. here i am to take them for her!!! i'm very excited 'bout that as well... if they turn out good, i might even compete in SM in portrait photography..

aside from the hellish headache i've had today, it's been a fairly good day.. i didn't participate in class today due to it, but i watched which was nearly as fun... that, together with the potential photo shoot with evin (that's her name), made my day quite nice anyway...

now, i gotta check my rice.. after that, i'm going to have tzatziki.. gods, i love that...

 
 


 
  2005.10.01  00.59


oh, btw.. few more photos!!







 
 


 
  2005.10.01  00.54


there are so many things that i keep wondering.. mainly, of course, about me, myself and i, and my life, the way i choose to live it, the dreams and goals that i have... why it takes so much energy to change a wave that has started.. if i really am the person i want to be... am i enough to do what i want to do? .. how come my financial situation sucks so bad you wouldn't believe it.. i have money for few seconds, until i pay my bills... after that, i have no money.. it's been YEARS since it looked like this.. i HATE living like this... i'm almost 30, y'know.. (well, next year, anyway)

there are so many questions up there in my head.. i just paid.. oh, let's see.. 'bout half of my bills, and now i have no money left.. now, i have to wait for a while longer until i get money i don't tax for, and pay the rest with that... all the money that i get, need to fill in the voids for the money that i don't have.. oh, the joy...

ah well... what's a ball at the castle, when you can live like this instead...

bedtime, since tomorrow i need to start making the order from a couple who got married in june and haven't ordered any photos until now.. they ordered TONS of it and i don't want to do it myself, but i'll make the most money if i do it myself, soooooo... at the moment, that feels QUITE nice...

laters.

oh, btw.. might as well post few photos of me and fire...







 
 


 
  2005.09.05  10.37


see this;









 
 


 
  2005.09.03  20.46


how hysterically wonderful!!!

when shopping at the supermarket yesterday, i found a note about belly dancing classes - here in vsters!!! i've wanted to do this for at least 2 years, but have not wanted to go all the way to stockholm for it.. and now it's here!!!

so - tomorrow, with an old acquaintance from 10 years back, i'm going to the first class in belly dancing!!!

and when i'm getting better at it, i'll try mix it with fire.. one way or another, it should be possible..

can you imagine? belly dancing!!! it's 'bout 15 years ago since i last danced belly dance.. i went to a day-course when i was 14, and that actually IS 15 years ago.. and now, i get the chance to learn again, and to go to regular classes instead of only one...

it's bloody brilliant, that's what it is!!!

i LOVE it!!!



Mood: ecstatic
 
 


 
  2005.08.30  12.02


oh, holy shit.. i've just developed a film i shot yesterday, of the industrial parts of an old silver mine a few miles from here.. it's not from the mine itself, but from an old, old industrial area, with old, old buildings that're broken.. and i'm so amazed, it looks so BLOODY good.. can't say for sure until i see the positive side of it, of course, but on the other hand, i think i'm fairly good at seeing on negatives how they'll turn out..

oh, DAMN... i'm good...

=0)~



Mood: ecstatic
 
 


 
  2005.08.06  17.26


i just understood something 'bout myself that was really interesting...

i've done studies in renaissance culture, politics, arts and literature.. it's been very, very interesting and i could definitely imagine going on with that kind of studies.. the thing i just realised, however, is that i'd make no use of those studies.. it's nothing i can use, really, in my photography, it's nothing that i'll get anything from except student loans'.. the knowledge will give me nothing and unfortunately, i'm not interested enough to keep up with news etc.. if i was, i might find it useful to study some more, but since i KNOW i won't, i'll just ignore that part and keep going on my photography carreer.. because that, on the other hand, is interesting enough to keep up with, to do, to know something 'bout etc etc.. and since i actually DO enjoy it so much, i see no reason at all to why i shouldn't be doing it...

it might seem completely irrelevant to all of you, but this is quite interesting news to me.. i need to pay attention to that...

 
 


 
  2005.07.27  12.26


the planning of my business is actually moving along quite well.. i haven't yet met with bank and other important people, but i'm writing document after document explaining how i've planned everything, what i'm good at, what i want to do etc etc.. i'm going to do a financial thingie but i haven't gotten that far yet.. i also need to find a place to have my studio, but i'll get there eventually...

it's so exciting!!! i mean, really!!! wow... in spite of my shitty private financial situation, i actually do intend to do this.. speaking in terms of concious creation, this WILL happen.. in my opinion, i've reached the bottom after having lived with micke, and now things WILL work out the way i want them to.. there is no other option, really... it's so fantastic!!!



Mood: excited
 
 


 
  2005.07.24  23.08


the summer weather in sweden has gone completely havoc this year... sun was shining for.. oh, 2-2 weeks or so, it being quite warm... no rain whatsoever, hardly no clouds..

now, however, it's been constant rain and a certain drop of heat.. the heat's dropped with some 10 degrees or so (in celsius), the sky's rarely free of clouds, and today it's been raining so much... i mean; the sky's slit opened to a bowl of water up there and it's dropped down on us.. or so...

i don't mind it, though.

although, just for once, i feel it wouldn't hurt with a little bit more sun this year.. the winters ARE quite long, to be honest..

and oh, gods.. i feel it, i see it written, and i hear it aloud, the way i write, after having read harry potter.. i'm now re-reading harry potter and the half-blood prince, which i recieved last monday, and i've managed to re-read the previous book, just to catch up.. and i see my english transform into a harry potter-ish one at once... :) .. it's pretty, though, so i don't really mind.. and it's most likely just me noticing it...

ah well.. i like the rain, but i'd like a little bit more sun.. oh, and i'd also like a balanced and healthy view of my own, private economy, and then also the promise of having a physical studio in just a while.. that'd be SO cool and the start of my life-long dream come true...

for the moment, though; more harry potter..

 
 


 
  2005.07.24  00.41


another coin on the matter of identity...

looked briefly at another goth site last night and reflected on the fact that it annoys me that grown up people are considered really odd if admitting themselves to a subculture.. and i'm one of the people thinking so - when going to school in uppsala, a woman in my class who were 35 years old back then (she should be around 40 by now), was one of the most goth people i've ever met.. i've seen others 'worse', but for her age, the most goth person ever.. and i remember thinking - and i do think - that when people cannot learn to change, which i believe is one of the most basic things in life - then they easily become just so pathetic.. and yet it annoys me, because it forces me to go with the flow, so to speak.. and i'm not sure whether i go with the flow because i really want to, or if i do it because i don't want to be pathetic.. because one thing is certainly true - i'm not the average person.. never have been, never will be.. i'm something else, i never fitted in anywhere..

some would say i'm most unique =0)~

anyhoo.. not really sure of where i'm going at with this, just that i'd like to be able to go experimental with my photography, sell it off in my future shop/studio, and people would be all right with that.. i'm afraid that one side of my photography stuff will stain the other, so that noone will want part of any of it, due to the other stuff.. if that made any sense at all...

i'm off to re-read harry potter and the order of the phoenix, since i read the latest harry potter few days ago - refreshing my mind - am going to reread that one too, after i finish this one...

laters, peeps...

(oh, and i DO have the cutest cats)

 
 


 
  2005.07.09  13.53


all right.. so the heat's getting ridiculous again... yesterday, it was above 30 degrees celsius, on the shadow side!!! .. not the kind of temperature where i find it comfortable to be outdoors..

however, also yesterday, there was a heavy rain.. rained like crazy, thundered like thor was really on the warrior path, flashes that lit up real good.. temperature fell with almost 12 degrees, which was wonderful.. i stood with my balcony door wide open and stared at the weather, feeling refreshing winds go right through the apartment..

today, it's hot again.. i tried to stay on the balcony for a while, which i managed for maybe 30 minutes or so, before it grew too hot and i had to go in.. i don't really get it, i become so incredibly tired when it's this hot...

i'm so jealous of my parents who're in scotland this week.. they left yesterday, come back on saturday.. that's so unfair!!! i wanna go there too..

i might need to find a scotsman, live in sweden autumn, winter and spring, then spend 3-5 weeks in scotland during summers.. how does that sound? scotland is a very, very beautiful place - i was there maybe 6-7 years ago... which reminds me that they drive their cars on the other side of the road from us, and they also sit on the other side of the car while driving.. very backwards from what i'm used to..

ah well.. i need to go drink water and maybe read another book to forget this heat...

i've heard that there's another week of it, and i'm telling you.. more heat than this, and i will spend the rest of the time in my bed crying, wanting to get away from it so badly, being completely unable to, if i don't want to kill myself..



Mood: drained
 
 


 
  2005.07.08  00.32


y'know, i'm so happy i'm not working right now.. sweden's gone hot again - like really, really hot.. it's somewhere 'bout 30 degrees in the sun, which is 'bout 8 or so degrees above what i handle nicely.. i've prepared my balcony for sitting there under an umbrella, with a chair and a table, which is very nice.. however, in this heat, the umbrella thingie (it's not a rain umbrella, but i have no idea of what the other thing is called.. in swedish, it's 'parasoll') doesn't really take away the heat itself, just the worst of the sun...

i went to the beach today, with hanna.. when we were in shadow, i was more than fine - that was wonderful, actually.. but when we moved into the sun where there was no breeze whatsoever, then i quickly started feeling bad..

i can't stand it.. it is, however, much better than last year, or the year before that, when i was working inside, in temperatures such as surely 35-40 degrees - indoors!!! imagine the amounts of sweat throughout a day... yuck!!!

and i'm seriously considering, when i got my own studio opened for real, that during summers, i will NOT be working 5 days a week.. at least not at the studio.. i was thinking keeping it opened maybe 2 days a week, then work with weddings on saturdays.. so that i can outlive the heat somewhere else, because i HATE this...

although, as i think i wrote earlier, it's much better being home and able to wear nothing, instead of at work, trying to look at least fairly professional.. blesh...

now, however, i think i'm gonna jet to bed.. tomorrow, i intend to clean up this place, then i'll try (if it's not too hot), to get some darkroom work done.. i could really use to get that done...

but we'll see...

 
 


 
  2005.06.27  00.14


how extraordinarily interesting...

i've just been looking at a few sites dealing with fetischism, pvs, leather, goth, synth, all that stuff.. and i must again realise, to my astonishment, that i have never really belonged there.. for a few years, i wanted to and thought so, but now i understand that i never did, to 100%...

i've always been an outsider - a complete outsider, to the rest of the world... from being a child, up until now... i've never belonged to a group - such as goth, pop, hip-hop or whatever else.. i used to hang out with punks, goths etc, but i was never really one of them... i've also never belonged to the 100% artists, musicians, theatre people - or anything else.. nor the computer geeks, the rp'ing geeks, or anything else... nor am i a 100% wiccan or pagan (not even remotely close to being one)...

i just don't belong anywhere!!!

when i was younger, this annoyed me quite a bit.. i wanted so badly to be part of something - a group of some kind.. and, for a few years, i thought and hoped that i'd be part of the goth world, but i was not.. not as i've felt, anyway (although i do believe some of my friends might've seen it differently).. i never had friends with the typical goth look, i never had the typical goth clothes - nor even the typical goth body!!! y'know those fairly short girls with waists you can grab with one hand... the long, black, smooth hair with no curls showing whatsoever... that's just never been me..

for the last few years, i've come to realise that i am no more but me - i have parts from many things, but i'm not 100% any of them.. i lack part of the gothic/synth/alternative/fetisch world, i lack the will and need and urge to become a fulltime pagan, i would never EVER submit to being a hip-hop.. etc etc etc...

the great thing with this, is of course that noone could EVER be like me.. not ever! i am a unique creature, which i am most proud of... i am very happy for all the parts from different groupings - because in a mixture, they make (parts of) me!!!

so you ask yourselves (and me) - why is this whole belonging to a group so important to you?

well.. for the very simple reason i never ever DID belong... i belong to my family and to my friends and all that, but i never did belong 100% to a group of some kind.. i've tried acting, singing, society of creative anachronism, dancing, alternative friends, alternative music, the magic kind of stuff... and i never belong anywhere!

so, in the end, i'm still hanging somewhere inbetween, being an alien to everyone... seen from this whole perspective, that is (as in; read all above and see it from there)... it's annoying as in not belonging, it's flattering as in noone's like me, it's frustrating as in how can i ever create something that will be 100% accepted (as in photo art etc), when some people may think it's morbid and gross, while other think it looks fantastic but they wouldn't have it on their wall, others think i didn't go so far in my creating and would want something that's even more beyond the edge..

i dunno... micke and i have fairly similar ideas in all this, i do however not want him to be a large part of my life anymore.. i do NOT want to live with him again... i do NOT want to even be WITH him again... and in ways such as these, it sucks, because we are very much alike in some things...

it's a shame.

anyway...

this is what i came to think 'bout, after having visited these fetisch/alternative sites.. i can't say it's gotten me depressed, however, thinking... and wondering will i ever be part of some group, or will i always have to be a freelancer...

 
 


 
  2005.06.26  00.21


earlier tonight, i watched a tv programme 'bout twin pregnancy and how that can go so wrong.. it was showing twin misformations - such as a normal child with its twin growing inside it as a parasite.. i saw a twin like this, having been brought out of it's 'host', and it looked so odd... limbs and body parts in no specific order, no head, no heart, just limbs... kind of scary, to be honest.. it awakes thoughts of evil twins growing inside you, a sort of dr jekyll and mr hyde of some kind... freaky...

aside with this, i watched parts of fried green tomatoes as well.. that's a GREAT movie... i absolutely love it!!!

had the second couple to be married today, under my own studio eye c - in opposition of doing it under the name of the last place where i worked.. it's nice and most interesting to do it in my own business.. the absolutely first i did, was the gay couple which was very cute, but i got paid under the table with them, so i count them only half way... it'll be most interesting to see how the couples i've had so far, and the ones that i have left to do, will feel 'bout their photographs.. i hope they like them (naturally)!!!

ahwell.. am thinking 'bout going to bed... we'll see...

 
 


 
  2005.06.13  00.35


today's activities:

sewing

lots of sewing

oh, is it spelled that way? what is sawing? i don't have the energy to look in a dictionary right now, but it's not necessary to respons to this, since i DO have dictionaries to look in, should i need to.. =0)

and sometimes, i do...

 
 


 
  2005.06.11  23.14


so.. i've now been living on my own, without micke, for 'bout a week and a half... it has, to a large degree, lost it's touch of important news, although i still feel very, very good 'bout it...

i went to see him the day before yesterday, to drop off some things he'd forgotten.. his new apartment COULD be so good, if the previous inhabitant had cleaned up properly, if the walls were painted in better looking colours, and if HE wouldn't live there from now on.. it already smelled as his apartments usually do, which is.. less nice... except for one shelf and two lamps, everything he had there in furniture, are things he's been given - like my 3 old bookshelves that i got from mom 4 years ago, a bed from a friend, couch etc from another friend, the corner table thingie from me (which i had before he moved in here and we got a new desk, at which i am now residing), etc etc etc.. and i think he's all right with that.. i looked around and thought to myself that OH MY GOD.. he's 31 years old and thinks this is ok.. when i'm not even 30 yet (next year, but still) and am so glad that i got rid of him, so i can concentrate on getting the things i WANT, not the things i can afford to buy because i need them.. there's a SLIGHT difference between those two things.. and i kept thinking 'bout this when i left to go see my parents and one of my brothers, and i was like.. wow... all right, we get along very well and all that, but DAMN this is the best thing i could ever have done and sometimes i wonder why i had him move in here for a starter...

most likely because my head is so fucked up when it comes to finances.. i realised today that the reason why my economy is always in such imbalance, is quite likely because i believe that i cannot keep it in balance.. i need to work on that one...

well.. i'm off to watch the last episode of the 4400 that's on swedish tv in just a minute or so...

 
 


 
  2005.06.03  23.51


oh, such a ridiculous urge that i have, for speaking of micke, my relation to him, OUR relation, the fact that he no longer lives here, etc etc..

i'm thinking i might get more interesting in a week or two... =0)

 
 


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